Sometimes I look back on how I haven’t been transparent enough to people who have been following me these past years, about my intentions within photography and life overall. In fact, I think I haven’t even been brutally transparent to myself on this.
I am not a full-time photographer, creator, artist, freelancer, whatever the correct terminology is. I met my ambition, which is art/photography, at the late age of my mid to early 20s. Looking back, I had this drive and absolute clarity on who I want to be, who I will be, from the moment I laid my dirty hands on the camera. Fast forward 7 or so years, and here we still are- technically working a full time job, as frustration towards my incompetence continues to boil.
Early shot, B&W film on Leica M6, 2017
I apologize as my first post may seem somewhat dark. However, I see it as a realization and a step into the correct path- accepting who I am, what my values are, and what my ambitions are. And I think many of you can resonate with this, so here goes nothing.
My relationship with a 9-5
Many of you may know at this point, but I’ve been working in the sustainability field for close to 10 years now. Before I met art or photography, this was my saving grace, my north star, after a failed professional soccer career (maybe a story for another time). I went to a decent university which I’m still paying for to study environmental science, I joined UN programs, and that landed me my first big corporate job as an undergrad- being a sustainability consultant at a BIG 4 firm. Ever since, I’ve been pretty lucky to be honest. I was a part of a team that cultivated the sustainability market and pushed agendas here in Japan, which has opened many doors for me, again, in the corporate, professional realm.
I met photography and art more broadly during my time at the BIG 4 firm. I started taking photos like a madman, and again, there was just something burning inside me. It was a fire that I’ve never felt, reflecting on being a depressed, mentally lonely, sentimentally desensitized child. It was the first time that I’ve actively ever created goals for myself in life, and the first time that I’ve been mildly hitting those goals that I set for myself.
That fire in me was growing. And… it was eating away at my drive within my 9-5. I took a leap of faith in February 2020 after aligning a few freelance gigs that I thought would progress my photographic career, and provide some financial stability. I even attempted to make a stupid little Youtube video, you know, one of those that are titled “I’m going full time” or something like that. But alas, COVID hit right after I said goodbye to my to-be 6 figure job and took a leap of faith.
After a failed attempt at going full time photographer/creator, I caved in and called a friend of mine that was a director at one of Japan’s biggest startups. He landed me a 4 day a week role as head of sustainability, starting January 2021.
An eternal fire
Rewinding time a bit, when I started taking photos I extensively studied the photographs of magnum photographers. I saw the great work of contemporary photographers that were getting results via competitions. One day, I told myself in my heart. One day.
Photograph: “Striped” Ebisu, Tokyo 2020. Awarded at Miami Street Photography Festival
And as I really dedicated my heart and soul to the art of photography, some results showed. I was awarded at some of the most prestigious global photography competitions from around 2020, which was 3 years or so after I started taking things seriously. These milestones led me to be interviewed by cool people, which led me to have a mild following online, which led me to have enough of an ego to start a Youtube channel (which, I always wanted to try out).
As of today.
My professional career keeps developing. Of course it does. It’s a lot of work. I ended up being promoted in 2022, having my own team of about 10+ people. Of course, now that I was a part of the management team, I was working more and I practically said goodbye to the 4-day a week thing. I started freelancing again as a consultant, helped build a sustainability team for a impact ESG PE fund, and ended up being pulled into their new team as a director. I took the job. It’s 4 days a week on my contract. But alas, as a director, I’m working 60-80 hour work weeks in a high pressure consulting role.
As the market for sustainability grows, so does the demand for people like me. For the better or for the worse, there aren’t many people like me here.
But What happened to my time? What happened to photography?
The dilemma of my professional, corporate career taking off without even having my full mental space allocated to it vs. my photography not going anywhere regardless of the mental space I put into it is absolutely a mind-fuck.
In addition, my fear of going freelance is real. After semi-failing once in 2020, not having a secure salary is something that is frightening to me. Ever since, I’ve been telling myself that I can somehow make enough money through my corporate work, and call it quits in a few years to transition to a full-time artist. But recently, my fear of going freelance, has turned into a fear of “not being able to make the decision to go freelance again”.
When will I say enough is enough? When can I confidently state to the people that know me as a photographer, that I am indeed a photographer and that’s what I do? The “money & finance” crisis is slowly changing into an identity crisis.
And as of today, May 27th 2023, that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’m coming close to a tipping point. A decision that is coming my way. I feel stressed out, but also feel excited. I dream of the day I can wake up and spontaneously decide to go to a different part of the world to take photos, I dream of the day I can make 1 youtube video a week, and I dream of the day that I can work from anywhere I please, grabbing a cheap coffee and a croissant with my camera in hand, and have a chat with family and friends without wondering if I should quit my “job” or not. Oh, and occasionally make a shitty painting.
Brutally transparent to everyone including myself, that’s what I want.
And being even more transparent, social media, including Youtube, is an engine that I hope can get me there sometime.
So, why am I doing this?
I’m starting this newsletter “Shoot.” as a way to express myself a little more personally, bring everyone onboard, and also provide value to people that are really interested in the artistic and creative process. Between everything I mentioned in this post, I’m extremely studious and analytical, and I hope I can redistribute what I learned along the way to you readers. All in all, maybe this can be a new home for our community.
In addition, I want this newsletter to be a reminder to simply take more photos, and be open with the fuckups along our way. Hence “Shoot.” like, Ah shoot, too.
Thanks for reading. And hello to all of you!
I promise I’ll make the next post more informative. Cheers ;)
Uly
Ulysses - good luck with your journey! Keeping the space of uncertainty is uncomfortable but embrace it. I am so glad to be touch by your presence and artistry.
I’m nowhere near the stage of life you are in currently but living my early 20s I guess I’m predisposed to relate to any existential crisis.
Once the emancipatory and honeymoon period that is the discovery of photography started to fade, I’ve grown to understand doubts and risks are inescapable. Not only in the making of a work, but also the path leading you to the position that will allow you to work and exist as an artist. There is only blur and eventually a leap of faith. (To complement this personal blurb of paraphrased wisedom, reading Kierkegaard’s “Either/Or” and biographies from any artists really can help in these phases. Reminds me to embrace the anxiety, the same way I do when reading you)
Thanks for your refreshing honesty. Looking forward to more of it and whatever else you have in mind.
Cheers